Two weeks later the stitches are healing
well and Giles removes the outer edges but leaves the stitching in the middle.
The impression of a nipple is good, if a little smaller than the left hand
side. I will have some scarring outside of the tattooed ‘areola’ once it is
done and there is a small lump where the knot from the stitches finished.
I take time to reflect and wonder at
what point in this process my focus moved from ‘surviving / escaping cancer’ to
dwelling on my appearance. I revisit my earlier priorities – live, recover
quickly and then worry about how I look. I have a range of emotions – there is
no doubt that my breasts are scarred and will not ever look completely normal
but, of paramount importance, I am cancer free as far as I know and feel very
well. Also, dressed, I have a new pair of breasts and profile that many 40 year
olds might be very pleased with…I have so much to be thankful for – and I am.
But, I still have a pervading sense of loss of control – my body developed a
cancer without me knowing, I have gone through a series of proscribed
procedures (“the Process”) and my physical appearance is one that I haven’t
actively chosen. I realize I need to move myself beyond this stage to a state
of acceptance.
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