Over the weekend, my left breast starts
self-inflating at an alarming rate. By the end of the day it is bigger than the
right hand side that has been fully expanded. I feel panicky - it looks like a
weird yellow and purple jellyfish. I leave a message for Giles.
Later I receive a reply: it's a seroma
or fluid build up which may need draining on Monday. But no emergency... I'm
not convinced as my breast continues to expand like something from a Woody
Allen movie. My outfit for the fancy dress party that evening is suddenly
a tight fit and I feel pretty uncomfortable.
I have weird dreams that night involving
inflating and exploding breasts.
Sunday morning and the Jellyfish seems
to have stopped growing for now. It's my birthday, I’m 44 and I feel glum,
looking in the mirror at my image. It feels a long time ago when I had two
normal-looking breasts, albeit one with a pea-sized lump invisible to the eye.
In fact it is less than four months - it's been a rapid journey, physically and
emotionally.
My moods have waxed and waned at different stages along the path. I feel
constrained and frustrated by my current physical limitations and the thought
of a further operation to come as well to complete the reconstruction. I know
I'm being impatient and should be grateful this is all I have to deal with - I
am. Just not all the time. Just need to allow myself a very occasional moment
feeling sorry for myself. I try not to let the negative emotion last though -
positivity has been vital to my recovery.
I have an interesting discussion that
evening with my son about resilience and the importance of building strong
foundations to help you through difficult times. I want him to see me as a
strong role model in this respect, but also tell him how vital the love and
support of family and friends has been to me, often coming from unexpected
quarters.
On Monday, Giles checks the fluid build-up and
decides it’s best to leave it alone for now to avoid introducing an infection
risk. He reassures me it is unlikely to expand further - I'm relieved that my
bad dreams won't come to fruition.
We briefly discuss timing for the final
third procedure - I prefer to wait until the New Year so I can enjoy Christmas,
but this means half term holiday plans are unlikely to materialise.
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