I want to be back to normal and getting
on with my life. I'm not a good patient - my mother has kindly come to stay for
the week to help out. She bites her tongue as I restack the dishwasher she has
just filled and move the cereal packets to their proper places.
The discomfort is less than previously,
I think due to the lymph node not being removed this time, although finding a
comfortable sleeping position is a struggle and I have very broken nights of
sleep. Much of my blog is written at 4am as a result and I reread it in the
morning to check my muddled and random thoughts – setting my thoughts down is
cathartic.
I'm emotionally less drained than last
time as the likelihood of a cancer diagnosis in the left breast is much lower.
Still, when I receive a short text from Giles a few days later to let me know I
have the all clear, I feel a weight drop from my shoulders and I'm appreciative
that he has taken the time to let me know straight away rather than wait for my
next appointment the following week.
A further email drops in my inbox from Giles
as an afterthought, 'u ok?'. The messages are getting shorter and shorter, but
I appreciate the contact which bridges the gaps between consultations. We may
feel important in our own worlds: job, car, status; but doctors occupy a unique
position of power and respect when we find ourselves needy and at the receiving
end of their care, knowledge and skill. The value of an informed and regular
dialogue with my doctor has been hugely beneficial to me in managing my
expectations, making decisions and ultimately building my confidence in
achieving a good outcome with his support. My health insurance has afforded me
this luxury, which I suspect may be less readily available in the NHS due to
workload and time pressures.
On the rare occasions where my
consultations have felt hurried, I feel slightly irritated, at myself mostly,
for not having prepared my questions or concerns sufficiently in advance. The
focus is on the technical aspects of my surgery and post-operative recovery,
not my emotional state.
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