7. Results

Day 6  - results day at the clinic. This is a big hurdle. Clear nodes, not invasive. My husband, Mum and I do a messy hug - we're all a bit shaky. I get the impression Giles wants to say more and that it's not quite the end of the message. The pathology of the removed tissue showed the breast was full of DCIS and microinvasion would probably have started in a couple of months. We had got there just in time. Giles is confident the operation was the right thing to do. It is good to have the rationale confirmed even if it feels a bit late to do anything if it wasn't the right decision! He tells me the cancer tested oestrogen positive. This leads on to a discussion about prevention. The options are Tamoxifen for five years, a second mastectomy or do nothing. I'm finding it slightly hard to concentrate but receive the message loud and clear that the journey isn't finished yet. 

Giles brings the conversation to a close helpfully. "You've been on a rapid journey from 0-60mph in a very short space of time. You don't need to make a decision right away - take time now to absorb the good news and very positive prognosis". 

Outside, my mum and I hug and finally allow ourselves a good cry whilst my husband fetches the car. We have a celebratory coffee and cake in the expensive Italian cafe. I'm relieved beyond belief and so thankful, if shocked, that I seem to have escaped that other level I hadn't wanted to think about. I push the thought that I still have decisions to make and further treatment to complete to the back of my mind and try and focus on being in the moment. My cake is stale and I ask the waitress for another - "that's my girl!" my husband says approvingly, clearly relieved I'm returning to myself. 

Later my husband and I go for a long walk in the park - the autumnal beauty is not lost on me. The desire to live is powerful. My husband is starting to absorb the news - he hadn't acknowledged his feelings since my diagnosis and hadn't considered any outcomes other than it couldn't be cancer. The sense of what could have been is my overwhelming emotion and how lucky I have been. Any worries about my mastectomy and physical appearance are still secondary at this moment.